Monday, November 26, 2012

post - thanksgiving turkey

One of my bosses has been out of the office for paternity leave of his first child. It's great in so many ways - first, the baby is adorable but, more importantly, he's out of the office and leaves me alone. However, he has learned to work his new iphone and now knows how to text. So when he's home laying on the couch he texts me piddly little "the guy on channel 4 looks like a guy you'd like" or "did you watch Marco Rubio on cspan tonight" or tries to get caught up on the goldman/ispy saga. But in the middle of the mindless back and forth he mentioned a show he'd come across that he couldn't stop watching. I held my breath for a minute, kind-of sort-of hoping he would be talking about the new show I was obsessed with but couldn't talk/admit to anyone I was watching because it is that bad. And guess was. He very stupidly asked..."do you know this show 'made in chelsea'?" Um...hell yeah I do! If you are not watching you are missing out. Let me run down the deets before I hit you with the good stuff....Monday nights (yay!), 2 one-hour episodes, style network, 8-10pm ET. It's a poor mans version of The Hills set in England. Tonight will be episodes 5 and 6. Don't worry can get caught up pretty easily.

The cast of characters:

She is basically the English Lauren Conrad. The show loosely revolves around her and her friends who she might have said 'hi' to a time or two and now does a whole show with them. She is a makeup artist or something, she is the one person you have to have at a party, she sings, she has a raspy voice, and is totally in love with...

Ladies, I do not get it. Spencer gets some major tail in this show and I think he's a total douche bag. Update: when researching Spence, I came across that he is the heir to the Eden Rock Hotel. Now I get it. And now I want him too.

Spencer and Caggie have known each other FOREVER - since they were 18 (which for those counting at home is like 3 years ago) - and there has always been this attraction, but the other one is always tied down when one becomes available. So they have suffered in strife for YEARS. But even though Spencer is shacking with someone and has a happy life, Caggie just feels the need to bat her eyes at him. Thing is...he feels the same. You know who doesn't feel the same and who constantly calls out Caggie? Spencer's live in girlfriend...FUNDA. She is some sort of model/dancer and carries around a small, ugly dog. She's super boring and will not be getting her picture posted. Which leads us to Spencer's best friend...

WHEW LORD. Hugo is where it's at. I know the picture isn't giving you much, but watch the show for 10 minutes and try to tell me he isn't the best person on the show. We love Hugo because 1. He calls Spencer out on his shit and for being a dick to Caggie and Funda. 2. He tries to hook Caggie up with other guys to get her mind off Spencer. 3. He's really cute. Like really cute. Currently, at this present episode, he is dating...

I approve of this relationship between Hugo and Millie because they are cute together, they have crazy sexual tension, and her real name is Camilla. Millie is besties with Caggie. They hang around all day with each other because no one has real jobs on this show. They drink bloodies and gossip all the live long day. I want to go to there. Millie is having a show down with her friend who also likes Hugo....

Rosie is a sweet girl and does have a job. It's not really her fault that Hugo throws eyes at her. Who could resist him? Rosie looks really good in the picture. On the show though, not so much. She's very pale with super red lips. She has a dog who she takes to a pet shrink who asks "when was she last mounted?". True story. She doesn't offer much except for this 3way. She is friends with....

Short for Francheska. She runs a blog or writes for a magazine or something. She reminds me of a young Camilla Parker Bowles. I'm normally distracted by her roots and her raspy voice. She doesn't offer much either, except that she is friends with....

Ya'll. This bitch's name is Binky. B-I-N-K-Y. I can't even begin to tell you how jealous I am that my name isn't Binky. I have half a mind to go get knocked up and name my first born Elizabeth and call her/him Binky. It is so major.

Binks is a free spirit. She and Cheska just hang out, shop, and travel on the fly to Chamonix to hang in onesies and drink champagne. We LOVE her. Which leads us to her best friend....

Obviously, I saved the best for last. Oh...Ollie. What's to say about good ole Ols? Well, when we first meet the first 5 minutes of episode 1...he is standing outside of a club with a clip board. He is in the tightest jeans known to man and he's flipping his girl hair all over the place. After awhile, we meet his girlfriend, Gabriella. Yeah...I said girlfriend. Not like heyyyy girlfriend, but like going to pound town girlfriend. She is hopelessly in love with him and wants to do nothing but cuddle and profess love all day long. He looks like he's in pain every time she opens her mouth (which, side note: what's with her bite? It's like her jaw doesn't close right.) It takes 4 episodes (FOUR) for him to SPOILER ALERT: come out. Listen. If you didn't figure that out in the first 5 minutes, there is something wrong with you. Just wait till the Chamonix episode and his ski outfit.  

There are about 45 other people in this show including Francis the polo-playing entrepreneur, Fredrik the model who wears nothing but spandex and rows, and Francis' ridiculously good looking Sweedish intern who throws herself at him but he resists to pick up ugly girls at an art gallery. I would write about them, but this post has already spanned into 3 hours.

Hope you all will watch tonight and be ready to discuss tomorrow!


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

day 2: spit polish

You know what's better than having Tom Ford under your tree? Tom Ford nail polish. And who doesn't need 16 new bottles of polish? And at $480, this is a steal. What's that you say? You can buy a million L'oreal for that price...yeah. But then you don't get this great little case. For you math wizards, that's $30 a bottle.

Song of the day: In keeping with ridiculous, I give you Britney Spears singing a holiday song.


Friday, November 16, 2012

day 1: I want a hippopatmus for christmas

I've decided in the 2 minutes since I wrote the last post that not only am I going to give you great gift ideas, but I'm also going to give you a great christmas song of the day.

I'm going to blow your mind, but a perfect present for those people that have everything - the Being Bobby Brown dvd-set. Don't give me that face. The show was priceless and how many times could you watch this clip over-and-over? Hell, I've watched it 14 times already this morning.

Sigh...she had such a great voice.

And your music video for the day....the name of this post. "Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian."


g-rated, usa-network-type scandal

I love a scandal. Everyone knows that.  Black, white, fat, thin, man, doesn't matter. I think my love is in large part because I live in DC where there is a scandal on some level every day. The people here are held to a higher degree than most...senators, congressmen, generals, ambassadors. But with power comes corruptness.

So basically what we have here is really a PG rated scandal with some Covert Affairs thrown in. I don't think this even rates to Homeland. No, its more a USA show. And I've been thinking all week how I could recap this nightmare while making it funny at the same time, but I think it's beyond all hope now. I'm so confused at who was emailing who, who was threatening who, and who the random Fibbie was sending who topless photos. I'm just sad that I don't get sent male FBI topless photos. The whole thing is just so sad on another level. The basic things we can learn from this disaster is 1. if you are having an affair, DELETE YOUR EMAILS. 2. Make sure that you have a friend that is an PRICE - Public Relations In Case of Emergency....meaning you have one friend that if shit gets real and your photo is all over tv, this is the person who knows what 5 photos of you are acceptable for cable news. None of this mardi gras bead wearing, head tilting, trash wearing photos. This is also the person who should have a delete key on all of your electronic emails/facebook/twitter accounts.  And 3. I think we can all agree that the term "tampa socialite" is an oxymoron.

Happier news, Christmas is coming. No movie countdown this year. This year I'm doing presents! Everyone always tells me that I'm so hard to shop for, to which I respond "whaaa" because nothing could be further from the truth. Just you wait and see.


Monday, November 12, 2012

uncle jessie where are you?

I just took a quick glance at this photo and thought that Bob Saget was attacking a muppet.
No worries though. It's just MKOlson and her french boyfriend/dad Olivier Sarkozy at a basketball game making out.

I don't even want to know whats going on here. But is it just me or does his face look like he's been stung by 100 bees? Ugh...I need a bottle of purell for my brain after seeing these pics.

Monday, November 5, 2012

This is it. Don't get scared now.

Election Day. Aren't you all glad it's almost over? Just 24 more hours...maybe more in some places. As someone who has worked through a couple of election days, I thought I would offer up some helpful suggestions on how to power through.

1. GO VOTE. Don't feed me any bullshit line about how your vote doesn't count. The last election I was in the candidate lost by 7000 votes. Seems like a lot but then you realize you've been voted out of a job and you find yourself with a lot of free time to track down all of those fools that could have helped you win. Don't be a fool on Election Day. (This also means I don't want to hear it was raining, the lines were too long, it was cold outside, you didn't have anything to wear. Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink.)

2. After you do #1, which is very important, do this which is also important: grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight. Stop posting all over the facebook about how your guy did this and my guy said that. Just stop. We'll all be alive in the morning. And so your guy didn't win....yeah it's depressing and it sucks, but just like grandma says, "this too shall pass". And it will. But if the bottle of Veuve is close by, it helps a lot. Make sure it's chilled!

3. That's it. 2 simple rules. Well those and don't be a dick and do something you will totally regret...or have the FBI investigate.

Good luck and Godspeed,

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It's baaaaaackkkkk

2012 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book arrived via email this afternoon. I did what any normal red blooded woman would do...screamed with excitement, pushed my work off my desk, and devoured every damn page. Obviously, Mr. Neiman and Mr. Marcus paid attention to my posts from last year, because as soon as you open it they hit you with fantasticness.
Pink and red British themed clutch from Alexander McQueen complete with rhinestoned skull? Uh yeah. I'm going to need that.  Page 8 and 9 are filled with scarves by Missoni and barware from Waterford (did NM get a hold of my diary?) that are all beautiful. Some cute Cole Haan riding boots are previewed on page 10 and make me curse my shock-putter-esque calves. Seriously, I hate them. Because if I didn't have them, these Stuart Weismann button up boots would be on my person. I LOVE these boots. And compared to other boots this season like them, they are relatively cheap. I mean, they are still $700, but it could be worse.
But no one really cares about the "small ticket" items. The fantasy gifts are where it's at...
First up -  the French chicken coop. I'm not making that up. Who the hell would want that? For a good laugh though, read the description on the website. It actually makes it sound delightful. And take a look at the pictures. I'm sure my cocks would want china hanging on the wall. Thank god I don't eat eggs.

The jet pack reminds me of that Arrested Development episode with the "moles".  Sigh...I love that show. This is actually a pretty good gift. You can go up to 80 miles on one tank of gas at 32 mph. Do you think that I could fly the 6 miles from my house to work? Would I invade some sort of Capitol airspace? I really need to look into this. And with my $100k purchase, the thoughtful people at Neiman's will donate $2500 to the Boys and Girls Club. If they were really thoughtful, they should just donate one of these packs to them. They could charge $2500 a ride and make bank.

Years ago, NM sponsored a Mercedes G-Wagon that was tricked out in black and chrome. I sweated that truck like it was my goddamn job. Keeping with that same theme, this year it's the McLaren spider in "Volcano Red". While it's beautiful and you get a free trip to London to meet the CEO of McLaren, I just want a G-Wagon in volcano red.          
The his and her's Van Cleef Parsian themed watches are pretty amazing.  I actually really like them. Like really (hint, hint). And you get a free trip to Paris and Geneva. However, I just realized that the price was A MILLION DOLLARS and not $19,000 like I originally thought. I obviously missed a couple zeros. I'd rather just have some Van Cleef alhambra earrings and perhaps a necklace.
But the gift I covet this year, is this bananas tailgate trailer. Of course I would need an old school Woody to match...and would need to dress in nothing but Ralph Lauren country wear. And it comes with a year's supply of bourbon. JACKPOT. I wonder, though, if this means they give me a giant case or if I tell them how many bottles I will need in a year. Cause obviously they haven't seen grandma pound back her nightly bottle of Virginia Gentlemen. That's like $150k a year right there. The tailgait would pay for itself very quickly.

photos: neiman marcus