Friday, December 23, 2011

tis the season...#1

OH MAN. I bet you are so excited. I bet you woke up this morning thinking "what in the world did Bunny put as #1 on her christmas list!". Over the past months, I have received lots of feedback and recommendations of movies that I've never seen that need to be on next years list. Thank you all for the suggestions - and I will take them to heart - even the inclusion of Die Harder. So....ARE YOU READY?

Cue drum roll please......

1. Miracle on 34th Street (1994)


If you just outwardly groaned and said "nineteen ninety fooooour??" I don't want to hear it. I love this version and its a Bunny and Filthy McNasty tradition to curl up on the sofa after gorging on presents and watch this, much to the dismay of our brother and father.

Sweet little Mara Wilson, who you know from Matilda, plays Susan Walker, a precocious 6 year old who doesn't believe in Santa but really wants to.  Her mother is the head of ...well, basically Macy's...and will not have Susan walking around like all the other dopey children so she tells her that she's hired a man to pretend he's santa. But you know what...he IS santa! (Santa! I know him!)

Dylan McDermott and his amazing blue eyes really make this movie, as does the adorable Mara Wilson. Oh...and let's not forget the BANANAS Cartier diamond ring that mean ole mom gets....thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.  And the guy that plays santa isn't so bad either.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!

XO,
Bunny

Thursday, December 22, 2011

tis the season...#2

2. Muppet Christmas Carol

Sigh. I love this movie. I know what you're thinking..."the muppets, really?" BUT YES.  The great Michael Caine as Scrooge is the perfect mix of bitter, hateful, and at the end perfect. Please note that this movie is a musical, which makes it so amazing. Again, you know the story line, but the addition of Gonzo as Charles Dickens and Rizzo the rat as the story tellers give it an extra touch.

Please note how cute the singing vegtables are...especially the eggplant. He's my favorite.


XO,
b

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

tis the season...#3

3.  A Charlie Brown Christmas



XO,
B

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

tis the season...#4

4. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Yes. You read that correctly. I love #2 more than the original. Maybe its the addition of awful, yet lovable concierge Tim Curry.  To this day I can still recite the 800 number to The Plaza...("guests of the new celebrity ding-dang-dong stay at the world-renowned Plaza Hotel, New York's most exciting hotel experience. For reservations, call toll free: 1-800-759-3000.")

Like the original, this one also gives an amazing amount of quotes:
-I'm 10 years old. TV is my life.
-Store wouldn't your stolen credit card?
-Get outta here, you nosey little pervert, or I'm gonna slap you silly!
-You've been smooching with everybody! Snuffy. Al. Leo. Little Moe with the gimpy leg. Cheeks. Boney Bob. Cliff. I could go on forever baby.

And my favorite....Two scoops? Make it three. I'm not driving.



This is the word of Kevin McCallister. Let us rejoice and be glad.

XO,
B



Monday, December 19, 2011

just saying

FYI - You can order until 2pm today on Hermes.com for any of my christmas goodies and they will be delivered by christmas! Happy shopping.

Also, can we briefly discuss the Lexus "the season for giving" commercials where one family member gives the other one a beautifully wrapped lexus? These commercials have irritated me for years, mostly because I have never been so lucky to receive such a gift. In years past, its always been the husband who gives the wife the car, but this year they've changed it up to reflect both sides of giving.

Problem #1. Who gives a car? Seriously. Can you even take that back or exchange?
Problem #2. After the initial shock of receiving a car wears off, do you think they stop and think about how the giver paid for said gift?
Problem #3. Joint checking. Did you seriously just pay $60K of MY money for a new car for me? And if not paid in full, did you just weigh us down with more debt each month.

However, all of those problems can be overlooked if a blue RX300 showed up at my door christmas morning. Please make sure the big red bow and snow are included.

XO,
Bunny

tis the season...#5

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Every Bunny family event, in some way, is referenced to Christmas Vacation...because if something can go wrong, it usually does.  We also have our share of "cousin eddie's" though I try my best to stay clear of them.

My mother absolutely hates this movie. Who knows the reason why, but because of her hatred, the rest of us are more endeared to it.  I really don't know what makes this a comedic classic, but I say it's Aunt Bethany. Hands down, she is the best character. When she stars singing the star spangled banner as santa and the reindeer go flying through the air, I almost wet myself with laughter. Maybe its the pill box hat, maybe its the plaid christmas outfit (which I would wear in an instant), maybe its her husband Lewis. Who knows what makes her so amazing, but here is the best of Bethany...Merry Christmas. http://youtu.be/jCBvFYGwd0g (it won't let me embed!)

Play ball,
XO
Bunny

Friday, December 16, 2011

tis the season...#6

6. How the Grinch Stole Christmas 

Don't even for one second think I'm talking about that catastrophe with Jim Carey. Hell to the no. I'm talking original here...cartoon....Boris Karloff. I'm talking heart, two sizes too small. I'm talking sweet little dog with antlers on his head. I love this movie because the grinch is just so deliciously awful and mean. As I joke sometimes about my black heart, I think that like the grinch, it grows two sizes over the holidays (unless I'm at target like this past weekend and these bratty kids were screaming and running around with blue icing all over their hands wiping it on unsuspecting customers. I wanted to cut them because thats what they deserved. Tee hee.)   It's always the perfect 30 minutes of television during the holiday season, because everyone feels overwhelmed and grinch-like and then those damn hoos (like UVA - GO HOOS!) start singing and it's like angels and everyone becomes happy and realizes the true meaning of christmas.

XOXO,
Bunny

Thursday, December 15, 2011

tis the season...#7

7. A Christmas Story

Now listen...I don't want any lip from anyone on this movie being #7. I love this movie, but TBS is to blame for it not being closer to #1. When you run it for 24 hours straight years on end you should anticipate people getting sick of a movie. I would have actually put this movie in the 20s but thought the backlash might be too much. As for favorite parts, the chinese restaurant hands down.


XO,
B

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

at $68 for one

While I asked santa for a Louis Vuitton monogrammed "never full" mm tote, among many other things, I wonder if santa would also bring me a box of these new LV condoms. Though, one doesn't want to be a label whore.

I personally like the raised LV...super cute.

XO,
B

photo: Huffington Post

tis the season...#8

8. Home Alone

So many good things came out of this movie. The introduction to Macaulay Culkin, the quotes, Buzz, the soundtrack, the comedic stylings of Mr. Joe Pesci, and alas, the title of this blog.

Oversleeping and poor head counting leaves sweet lil Kevin McCallister home alone as his family heads out for their holiday in Paris. Realizing their mistake in mid-air, the family desperately tries to get back to Chicago while poor Kevicakes tries to fend off two goofy robbers. I love this movie - what's not to love - and can watch it anytime of the year - which my family will attest to - and can watch it over and over without ever being sick of it. Maybe it's because my brother had the same sheets as Kevin. Maybe its because I know what holiday chaos really is. Maybe its because I oversleep on everything. I just know that I love this movie.

Best quotes from the movie: * "This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me? I'm living alone. I'm living alone."  * "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass."  * "A lovely cheese pizza, just for me." * "No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period." * "Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents. " * "Look what you did you little jerk."

And my favorite: " Buzz, your girlfriend. WOOF."
XO,
B


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

tis the season...#9

9. A Mom For Christmas

Eeek! Oh my gosh y'all we are in the home stretch here. Today's movie is technically classified as a 'made for tv movie', but oh...it is so much more than that.

Miss Olivia Newton John stars as a department store mannequin come to life to fulfill the christmas wish of a little girl. Let me get it out of the way by saying that Jessie, the little girl, is probably the most annoying person on the face of the earth, but her dad is a hot silver fox.

It's beyond corny, but my sister and I will stop everything to watch it when it makes a surprise appearance on tv. Good news for you, I found it on youtube. Ahh...the brilliance of the tube.

This is part one of ten, but I'm sure after you watch it, you will be itching for the other 9 segments. How could you not - Olivia. Newton. John. You're welcome america.



XOXO,
Bunny

Monday, December 12, 2011

tis the season...#10

10. Holiday Affair - 1949

This classic was remade for Lifetime or Hallmark about ten years ago staring JAG's David James Elliot. Sigh. I love him.  But, the classic is, well, ...classic.

Robert Mitchum (Cape Fear) is a Macys-esque store clerk who waits on Janet Leigh (Psycho). She buys an excessively expensive train and then tries to return it.  He says she is a "secret shopper", which I always thought would be the perfect job for me, and somehow that was a bad thing back then. Bobby gets fired, ends up going on a date with Janet - even though she has a boyfriend - and well...you have to watch. Its good. Trust me. And if you don't like the 1949 version, the 1996 version isn't too bad and has great eye candy.

XOXO,
Bunny

Friday, December 9, 2011

tis the season...#11

11. While You Were Sleeping

Another movie that's a little hazy when it comes to actually being a "christmas" movie, but because their christmas celebration is a big part of the story, I say it is.

I can always give or take Sandra Bullock, but I adore Bill Pullman. Maybe its because he bears a slight resemblance to Baby Boy and Carlos Costa. And maybe its because of Bill, but I LOVE this movie and I'm actually sad to put it so far down the list.

Sandy is a poor girl living in Chicago with no family and a crummy job working for the L (or the subway) on Christmas.  The man she has a crush on - Peter Gallagher and his amazing bushy eyebrows - gets pushed onto the track as the subway is coming. Sandy jumps on the tracks, saves his life and at the hospital tells them she is his fiance so she is able to see him.  However, hilarity ensues when Peter's family shows up, knows nothing about said engagement (and why would they?!) and the family takes her into their home for Christmas dinner where she meets...dum, dum, dummmm...Peter's brother, Bill Pullman.

I am telling you its so good and if you have never seen it, then you are really missing a good 2 hours.

XOXO,
Bunny

Thursday, December 8, 2011

tis the season...#12

12. Twas the Night Before Christmas

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this movie. LOVE. If you aren't lucky enough to catch it at 2am when it plays on ABC Family, you can also watch its entirety on YouTube. Ahh...the miracle of modern video.

When letters written to Santa are returned, the town gets together to figure out why.  It seems that a communist mouse writes a scathing letter to their version of NYT, and Santa's feelings get hurt and decides that christmas is basically canceled in Junctionville. The local clock-maker, Joshua Trundle, comes up with a genius plan to make a huge clock tower that will play an apology-ish song to lure the fat man to their town.

Have I mentioned that I love this movie? And to any of my co-workers reading this, please tell me that Mr. Trundle doesn't look exactly like Bruce F. Except Trundle won't put you to sleep the minute he opens his mouth.



XO,
Bunny Trundle

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

dc in 3 minutes

When you take away the traffic and the rain and the protesters, DC is amazingly beautiful.



District Nights from Drew Geraci on Vimeo.

tis the season...#13

13. Elf

Look - before you get all huffy and puffy over the fact that this movie is #13, let me remind you that I said this list was going to be MY top 25 christmas movies... not what you think the top 25 christmas movies should be, though I caved on Emmitt Otter.  Remember this as we head into the top 10 because for some of them, you won't even know what I'm talking about.  But that's whats so great about the holidays...traditions, you like your stuff, I like my stuff and sitting in a corner drinking, weeping silently. Ah...the holidays.

So...where to beging on this movie?  I want to thank the USA Network for running the shit out of this movie and basically ruining it. Because everyone knows that I have no will power when a movie I love runs back-to-back (take the Gone with the Wind marathon that I watched for 20 hours straight).

Things I love about this movie:  the quotes. Not a day goes by when I don't say something out of this movie.
* "not now artic puffin!"
* "It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me"
* "You stink. You smell like beef and cheese. You sit on a throne of lies."
* "Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo..."
* "SANTA. I know him!"
* " I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins"
* "Sonofanutcracker"


I really could go on and on and on, but I'll spare you.

XO,
B

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

it's not thursday...

But it would be better if it was. On some German talk show this week, Karl was a guest. Can you even imagine? And can you imagine Karl as a little boy? Little gloves, little glasses, little white collar. J'adore.

Something else I love...Karl holding a Karl doll...mind blowing.
XOXO,
Bunny

#13.5...it doesn't really count.

Growing up, I had a group of 5 girlfriends - we called ourselves the sugar girls. Corny I know, but we were inseparable throughout high school. My friend Julie had the best house. Not only did she have an older brother with cute friends but she also had a trampoline and a pool...and when you're 15, what else could you possibly want in life? She also had a video camera. Which is where this G rated story is headed ( I know your sick mind was headed that way).

Julie thought it was a great idea to memorex every event. Like the book report - Animal Farm by George Orwell - that I faintly remember filming at my next door neighbors house because their kids had a play farm. I don't really remember much about the book or the video except that it ended with Ryan Jones jumping over me in roller blades across a very busy Pump Road. What that had to do with talking farm animals I'll never remember. There also was the time when we recreated Sampson, Abraham and Gregory from Romeo and Juliet. This, too, I faintly remember but  it had something to do with getting the attention of Steven Schemmel and Scott Appicella, both of which I was in love with. Or the time when for our US government class, we recreated a robbery by "borrowing" my new next door neighbor, Mr. D's, white Mitsubishi 300x putting a flashing light on the top and driving up and down my cul-de-sac street really fast blaring the cops theme as my friend Lee climbed through my front window. No one seemed to care that a crazy red headed girl was speeding through the neighborhood or that a boy was climbing out of the house with a tv or the fact that my father also got into the video by dressing as "blind justice" wearing a black robe, a cane and sunglasses.
Where was I going with this walk down memory lane? Well last Thursday I woke up singing a song. This in itself isn't really odd for me. But I couldn't remember the words, only the music. And so for 5 days I've been humming and driving myself crazy only remembering "cocaine katie". It finally hit me...and I started to remember.  You see, this too was a high school project that we videoed. I'll paint the scene - jeans, flannel (we were in costume), and some sort of instrument on Julie's patio singing this weirdo random song that her dad (a fiercely republican hippie) listened to over and over. "On the cover of the rolling stone". Never heard of it? Neither had Ann or I before we were coerced into performing the song.

The video is still out there...somewhere...along with my dignity and one of the many reasons I'll never be able to run for congress (but a congressional wife is totally fine Tim Ryan!)
This was a super long about way of giving you #13.5 on the holiday movie schedule, because I youtubed one of the songs and it triggered the "rolling stone" song.  See, I had never seen of heard this movie until last week but I had multiple emails, texts, and even a CPs happy hour to discuss Emmit Otter. To be honest, I don't get it. Singing puppets are one thing but poor singing puppets? Well that's where I draw the line. Yes, I know that this Jim Hensen classic is supposed to teach is the true meaning of Christmas - that we are supposed to remember to love each other and not the presents and that's all well and good. But I'm pretty sure I would understand the meaning more with the LV drawstring monogrammed bag.

XOXO,
Bunny

tis the season...#14

14. All Lifetime Christmas Movies

Oh man...where do I even begin? I did nothing on Sunday except lay on the couch, admire my lovely christmas tree, and watch Lifetime christmas movies which were stockpiled on the DVR. 

Movies to watch:
-Undercover Christmas
-Moonlight and Mistletoe (awful, but so good)
-12 Men of Christmas
-A Boyfriend for Christmas
-Receipe for a Perfect Christmas (Bobby Canavale is soooo good)
-Road to Christmas (Jennifer Gray post nose job)

ps - this is a shitty post because Lala is hurrying me up to hit the gym!

XOXO,
Bunny

Monday, December 5, 2011

tis the season...#15

15. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

As I've gotten older, I now wonder if this movie isn't some slight to the ginger community. So because his nose was red instead of black, the mean reindeers wouldn't let him play in their clique-ish games?  Well you know what I say Rudy? I say who needs them! Who the hell needs them. They are all stupid with their stupid black noses. Its a good thing you ran away and became friends with probably, hands down, the best christmas character of all time. HERMEY.  And I say this not because his name is almost like Hermes, but because Hermey has a dream. He wants to create a better life for himself, and dammit, he is going to be a dentist come hell or high water or santa. I mean, just look at his adorable face! For some reason, every time I see him I think that Alan Cumming would be a great person to play Hermey in a real-life adaptation of Rudolph.

XOXO,
Bunny

Friday, December 2, 2011

missing: the hotness of bradley whitford

While flipping channels Sunday night, I came across the saddest little movie starring the once hot Bradley Whitford. You might know him as Josh Lyman from TVs west wing.  I only made it through 20 minutes of the movie before I had to switch - it was some tuesday's with maurie holiday crap - but one thing is certain...age has not been kind to him. He was almost a monet - from afar he looked half decent, but up close he was a big ole mess. I was thinking maybe it was the HD on the tv, but as the week has progressed, I wonder if he's had some plastic surgery done. It makes me a bit sad, but I'd still love on him as long as he talked "congressional dirty" to me....you know like saying "congressional resolution", "ways and means committee", "cloture motion". Hmmm...
circa 2002

circa now...sans creepstasche
Speaking of ways and means, last night was another run in with the Occupy DC people.  Good lord the smell.  They were wearing doctor's masks, sunglasses, and hats which completely obscured their faces but not their voices. Security was tight. A group of boys dressed in tuxes (and one in a white suit with a black turtleneck who looked like he belonged in an SNL sketch) somehow made it through security with us and then tried to push into our elevator. Within seconds, security was on them like a duck on a junebug. Once upstairs, more security. But I will have to say that I missed a golden opportunity to ask Nancy Pelosi who her plastic surgeon was, because goddamn yall. The bitches' face is flawless. True, she can hardly blink and her hair is such a disaster that the red cross wouldn't even give it coffee, but there is not one wrinkle on her face. It has to be more than just botox.

The best part of the night is when Fancy Nancy and I left the party, walking out with a former consultant of ours and we were accosted by the occupy people again.  This time they looked directly at the consultant and screamed "DUDE. Are you the 1%?" while filming us.  The consultant turns and looks at us to say goodnight, the protesters look at us to see if we, too, are part of the 1%.  After assessing us, they decide that we are just like them and turn their focus back on the consultant.  About a block down the road it suddenly hits me that the occupiers just insulted me by thinking I wasn't part of the elite. I started to turned around and give them a piece of my mind, but the cold wind started blowing and the stench carried with it....and I realized it wasn't worth my time or my sense of smell.

XO,
Bunny

tis the season...#16

16. Hallmark Movies

As I have previously mentioned with the ABC Family movies, these made-for-tv movies are some of my favorite.

Make sure you watch:

*A Season for Miracles with Carla Gugino who kidnaps her cracked out sister's kids and stows away in Bethlehem, Virginia. The hot male lead, David Conrad, makes this movie worth watching.

*On the Second Day of Christmas.  This stars a poor, stealing Mary Stuart Masterson and Mark Ruffalo as the department store rent-a-cop who catches her. This is hokey, hokey, hokey but I love every minute of it.

*The Most Wonderful Time of the Year starring Fonzie and Brooke Burns. Again, hot male lead (not Fonzie). Totally unrealistic, but that's half the fun. Fonzie brings home to his niece a hottie that he met in the airport because he can read people and knows that hottie would be good for single mom Brooke Burns. They are already running the hell out of this movie, so be sure to watch!


XO,
B

Thursday, December 1, 2011

tis the season...#17

Happy December ya'll! Only 24 shopping days until the BIG day.  Sigh...I love christmas so much that you would think I am the baby jesus.

18. Scrooged

First, I love any version of a christmas carol. There is just something so rewarding about seeing Scrooge's black heart melt like snow. Second, I love anything Bill Murray is in, so automatically I loved this movie.  Third, Bobcat Goldwaith is in it, so you know it will be a winner. And finally, the piece de resistance - Robert Goulet and cajun christmas carols.

I would tell you the story line, but alas, you should know it.

Favorite quotes: "bitch hit me with a toaster", "go back to Jersey, you moron!", and my favorite "you're a hallucination brought on by alcohol... russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!"

XO,
bunny

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

tis the season...#18

18. Frosty the Snowman

This is the story of a nice day turned tragic. I won't even bother to tell the story about how he came to life one day, but then global warming kicked in, and he was murdered. Everyone knows that all that remained was a damn corn-cob pipe, a button nose, and two pieces of coal.

The suspects - these ratty kids. I personally think the kid dressed as the elf did it.

XO,
B

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I want a hippopotmus for christmas?

Forget the hippo, I want this guy! How cute is this little porcupine? So he's not as soft and cuddly as some other pets, his talking alone seals the deal.  When the lady takes his corncob away, I want to jump into the computer and hurt her. So adorbs!!

tis the season...#19

19. The Holiday

I once read where the set of this movie, mainly Cameron's house, was one of the most expensive sets to furnish.  This explains why I love EVERYTHING in the house...and everything she wears, including the shake necklace from Renee Lewis she wears for a hot second while she is beating the shit out of Ed Burns.

If you haven't seen this movie, then you obviously don't watch TBS because they run it non stop every weekend.  It's cute and feel-goody. And Jude Law looks amazing in every second. Merry Christmas.

XO,
B

real quick...

With yet another woman coming out of the woodwork, rumor has it that Herman Cain is probably going to drop out of the presidental race. Mark my words - if he makes it thru today, he won't make it thru the week. Sexual harassment is one thing, but a 13 year affair? Sorry I'm not sorry.

I just wish there was some fun visual to go along with his philandering ways...like ex-Rep. David Wu.
XO,
B

Monday, November 28, 2011

thank god that's over

A couple of things since I've been out of pocket since last Wednesday...

*If you can believe it, I haven't done a stitch of shopping today on 'cyber monday'. Nothing. Nor did I do any shopping on black friday. The economy probably went down a point just on my non-spending alone.


*Speaking of holiday shopping, I'm glad that stupid Kohl's commercial is now off the air. If I had to hear that girl singing "black friday" one more time, I would have become violent.

*To the lady who used pepper spray to ward off other shoppers: you are a genius. Yes, you might have hurt people and I'm not quite sure what was so amazing at wal-mart that you needed to use this or why you were even in wal-mart, but I bet when everyone heard this story they might have fained shock, but deep down inside they were amazed.

*My war against Bradley Cooper being voted sexiest man alive is officially over. Why you might ask? Because he said one of his favorite movies is "the diving bell and the butterfly", which is one of my favorite movies.  If you haven't seen it, watch immediately. Its beautiful and the story is haunting.

*Because you have probably missed my Lagerfeld updates because its been so long, I happened upon this AMAZEBALLS article on how Karl lives. 5 townhouses on the same street. One to sleep, one to eat, one to work on clothes, one to take photos, and one for guests because he doesn't want people in his house. Sigh...I really do want to be friends with him.
http://www.styleite.com/media/karl-lagerfeld-real-estate/

XO,
Bunny

tis the season...#20

20. all ABC Family Christmas movies

You know you love them just as much as I do! Don't even pretend not to. To those who scoff and deny that Holiday in Handcuffs starring AC Slater and Clarrisa from clarrisa explains it all wasn't amazing, then you are a scrooge.  I mean, this movie makes kidnapping adorable. And Markie Post as crazy's mother? Well, its perfection on a stick.

However, it used to be that they actually showed Christmas movies instead of Harry Potter or Beauty and the Beast.  I'm not sure when their programming changed, but it needs to change back.

Make sure to watch:
*The Christmast List - starring the original Mrs. Tom Cruise (Mimi Rogers) who is a perfume expert. She runs into a boy whose mother has passed and wants to recreate her scent. She mails a letter to santa, which comes true, and she finds a hunky silver fox. Merry Christmas!
*Christmas in Handcuffs
*Cupid Christmas
*Snowglobe

XO,
B

Friday, November 25, 2011

tis the season...#21

Happy Black Friday! I hope you are doing lots of shopping and getting great deals. I like presents all year long, including christmas, so make sure you remember that as you pass by Neimans.

21. The Santa Clause

I am not ashamed to admit that I love this Tim Allen classic.  And whenever in life will you ever be able to say "tim, allen. and classic" in another sentence? You won't.

See it all starts when Santa is suddenly startled on the roof of Tim Allen's house. He falls off and dies.  Ok...well he disappears, but dead is more like it. After he lands he magically disappears, but his suit remains. Timmy find a business card in a pocket stating that if something should happen to Santa, someone should put on the suit, and the reindeer will know what to do (ie. the santa "clause").

Bonus points of the movie: Timmy's kid starred in the age old classic, Dunston Checks In, the Oscar Mayer weenie ornament, and the part where Tim tries to prove he is santa by saying "merry christmas" in different languages. 

Look - it might not be academy award winning stuff, but for christmas, it is delightful.

Ho, ho, ho. XO Bunny

three of my favorite things

Karl, Chanel, and Montmarte. Le sigh....

This is the window at Chanel in Paris. Jesus, why am I not spending my thanksgiving there? And by "there", I mean in the window.Thanks Poodle for making me green with envy.

XOXO,
Bunny

Thursday, November 24, 2011

tis the season...#22

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Did you think I would leave you without a post on this gluttonous holiday? Hell-to-the-no.  What else would you do than read this blog? Hang with your family and watch the macy's parade? That's just crazy talk. Everyone knows that once you've seen the giant snoopy and woodstock, its all down hill from there.

22. Love Actually

You can argue forever on if this is technically classified as a Christmas movie or not, but I say it is dammit because the first saying on screen is "5 weeks before Christmas".

Ten very different stories interlinked with each other. Everyone has their favorite - mine personally is the declining romance of Snape Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson.  There is something just so delicious about his voice and I always expect him to say "turn to page 394." 

No matter what your favorite storyis, I think we all should agree that the porn story never should have been included. It's weird and uncomfortable and boring. And I could also rid myself of the Milwaukee story. Please...there is no one dumb enough to pick Wisconsin in the winter as a travel destination.  Not even me...and I love certain people in Milwaukee.

XOXO, Bunny

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I first posted this story of my first supper club thanksgiving back in August, but thought it was time to post it again for the holiday.  This past Sunday marked another anniversary of supper club. Only 3 members of the original gang of 8 remain, yet the club is now at almost 15 with new additions every time. This story, obviously, was brought up because it was our first thanksgiving together...and now years later the tradition continues.

XO

Picture it. November 2006. A lot of stuff has just happened. First being I had just lost my job. Actually, hundreds of hill staffers had just lost their job. The constituents of my state had just voted to not send my boss back to the senate and many other senators were in the same boat. The shock of losing, coupled with the fact that I now had to find a job and I would no longer see my amazing co-workers everyday was starting to hit hard. Maybe closer to election I will regale you with the story of how the mighty fell, but back to the story at hand. Second, my mother was in the hospital having back surgery. This is key because she loony on pain killers and pretty much unavailable. These 2 incidents put me in a precarious emotional state.


I worked on the hill for 5 years. In that time, I met some fantastic people. You are brought together by politics, by office location, by the member you work for, but mostly by the ridiculous hours. A group of about 15 southern transplants formed a supper club. We would get together once every couple of weeks to eat southern food, talk about life and trade gossip...and because the group was made up of senate staff, house staff and white house staff, the gossip was ahhhmazing.
In a stroke of genius, I commented on how supper club needed to have a Thanksgiving meal - thinking this might be the last for some of us - and I volunteered the house, mashed potatoes and the cooking of the turkey. I must have been high. Seriously...that's all I can think of because I can't cook worth a shit. Ask anyone.
The time, date, and place had been set. Being all domestic, I went to the grocery 4days before the dinner and bought a frozen turkey. I pulled recipes off the internet and called family friends to ask how they made their birds. I was so prepared...I was in charge. Except, I didn't realize that I needed DAYS to thaw a turkey. So when I pulled that bad boy from the freezer 48 hours in advance, my resident advisor - my grandmother - laughed at me. There was no way I would have enough time to thaw and cook. I was better off running back to the grocery and buying a non-frozen bird. So I headed out days before Thanksgiving to find a turkey that had not been bought. At my third attempt, I found one, at Whole Foods. It was 18lbs - which is huge - and I bought it all the necessities...like little chef hats to go on its legs. It's about 10pm when I get home, so I put it in the fridge and head to bed.

It's now 20 hours before the dinner party for 15. I head home from a very long day at the office and start preparing my stuff to cook this damn thing. Except, I didn't get home from work until after 8. And then I was told because the turkey was so large, it would need 6 fucking hours to cook. At this point, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I stared at my roommate as he told me this. Obviously, I had missed something on the internet because that could not be right. As we discussed a plan, I came up with a couple of options. I could cook it for three hours tonight, and then three hours the next day. Vetoed. I could cook it all night long. Vetoed because you have to baste the damn thing every hour on the hour. I would just need to leave work early to come home. Case closed. But it wasn't that simple because while my boss had been relieved of his job, there was still a ton of work that needed to be done. I wasn't feeling very hopeful about the situation.
As I got into bed that night, I turned on the tv. And that's when God spoke to me. On the set was a commercial for Popeye's and they were advertising a cajun turkey that you could buy at the store. PERFECT! I was a man with a plan. Or a woman with a plan. And like the A-Team, I love it when a plan comes together.

I called Popeye's the morning of the dinner party, reserved two turkeys to be picked up at 6:30pm for an 8pm dinner. Nothing could go wrong. I fly out of work and go to pick up my meat. I arrive at Popeye's, tell them my order and when they hand me two FROZEN turkeys, I lost it. Seriously. I started crying. Sobbing. In the middle of Popeye's. With mexican people speaking spanish to me and trying to comfort me but I can't understand what they are saying and they can't understand me over the sobs. SOBS. I told them I lost my job, that I had to feed 15 people that were arriving within the hour, screaming "what the fuck am I going to do" over and over. Finally the woman petting my hair speaks brilliance. Head to the store up the road and buy some roasted chickens. Your friends will never know the difference. I stopped crying, nodded and walked out, sans frozen turkeys and headed for the store. I bought two roasted turkeys and returned to the house to welcome my guests.

The first person to arrive was my friend Lawrence. Poor Lawrence. As soon as he walked in the door, I broke down again and told him the saga of the last 48 hours. Bless his heart, he concealed his laughter and made a plan to slice the chickens instead of presenting them with their little hats like I had planned. No one will know, he said.

Everyone started arriving, bringing their contribution to the dinner and the table looked amazing. Everyone was starving and starting devouring the supper. Well...until my friend Thomas spoke up and commented on how delicious the turkey was. He'd never had turkey that tasted so good before. And soon everyone was nodding in agreement. And I couldn't take the shame anymore. These were my friends....they would understand. So I told them the long, painful story and showed them the 2 turkeys both now in the freezer and the crying in the popeye's. Fucking Popeye's. Everyone looked on in amazement as the story continued with its twists and turns. And then the laughter started...and to this day the 15 of them still laugh at that fateful Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, it has become part of Bunny folklore.
XOXO,
Bunny

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

tis the season...#23

23. White Christmas

A classic...

Bing Crosby. Rosemary Clooney. Danny Kaye. What could possibly not be amazing about this movie? Well, the plot for one. But that's overlooked due to all the singing and all the dancing. Straight men beware!

I would do a write-up about this movie, but the boys at Tom and Lorenzo nailed it so perfectly, I couldn't even possibly compete. Truly, it will make your day. http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2007/12/t-los-white-christmas.html.

Wishing I had Vera-Ellen's legs,
xo
Bunny

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

tis the season...#24

24.  The Family Stone

The cast alone makes this movie worth watching.  Sarah Jessica Parker plays the up-tight (who knew?) fiancee of the palpably hot Dermot Mulroney and his lip scar (I don't know why it's so hot, but it is).  He takes her home to meet his very liberal, laid back family which consists of a stoner brother, a deaf gay brother, a knocked up sister, and a bratty Rachel McAdams. SJP is hated instantly so she calls her sister Claire Danes to come help her.  I never quite understood why SJP did this, but dramatics ensue. Please note that this is not a funny, feel-good movie but none-the-less, I like it.
XO,
B

Monday, November 21, 2011

tis the season

Since everyone and their mother is doing a "countdown to Christmas", I thought I would too with one of my favorite parts of Christmas...Christmas movies. It's the whole reason I got dvr. True story.  Personally, I think of myself as a christmas movie aficionado and so for the next 25 days I will share my genius with you. Think of it as an early xmas present. You're welcome.

25. Claymation Christmas

I'll get the hokey movie out of the way first. But just because it's hokey does not mean it should be over looked.

This actually is a group of short stories and songs all done with Claymation.  I have no idea where I actually saw this - probably on CBS when I was a tiny babe - but I was hooked. And should I even mention the best part?

California. MFing. Raisins.

Don't even tell me you didn't collect them in the happy meals cause I just won't believe it. And when they sing "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer", if you don't groove just a little, then you are dead inside.

You can get the jist watching this clip. However, it was shown in an episode of Beavis and Butthead. Does this make it less cool? Absolutely not.

24 more to go.

Ho, Ho, Ho
XO
B

Friday, November 18, 2011

now THIS is a protest I can get behind.

The backlash against Bradley Cooper being voted as Sexiest Man Alive is starting to get ugly! Even George Clooney thinks Ryan was robbed.

There are now petitions all over the internet to right the wrong that People magazine made this week naming the totally-adorable-yet-not-quite-"sexy" BC instead of Ryan Gosling.  I have to say that after watching "crazy, stupid, love" this weekend, I am now a confirmed RG fan.

Take a look at these websites to be a RG convert.
http://ryangoslingvspuppy.tumblr.com/
http://fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com/
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/reasons-why-bradley-cooper-is-definitely-not-the-s



XO,
Bunny Gosling

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I'm so over it.

I'm sorry, but it's finally boiled over and I am angry.

Protesting is as American as apple pie...if that apple pie is covered in hippies. But seriously - that's what makes America so great.  Freedom. Free speech. Freedom of the press. The fact that you can say anything without persecution. It truly is an awesome thing and I think that people forget that.

BUT there is a difference between a peaceful, meaningful protest and being fucking obnoxious.  You operation wall street people have passed from peaceful to mind-boggling ridiculous.  First, please take a shower. I can't even deal with you if you smell like a garbage can.  No one can take you seriously if you look like Pigpen from Snoopy. Second, please come up with a plan. A cohesive plan which every group follows. Maybe even include a kit with talking points and a colorful, cheery tent. While I kind of understand why you are upset, your message is not clear. You have multiple ows protests happening and yet its only 1 person in the group saying or doing any of the talking. The other 299 just smell (see #1). Third, I know you are here just visit, but I wouldn't come into your cardboard box or ugly tent and make a mess and disrupt traffic.  While you might not think this is a big deal, talk to someone who sat for 45 fucking minutes the other morning for nothing more than rain. RAIN. When a city like DC, who has the worst traffic in the United States, has a major road blocked during rush hour, the whole city suffers and makes people angry.

Prime example - today's fundraiser for Sen. Shelby at a upscale restaurant in DC.  A group of ows people were outside protesting, screaming things at the lobbyists who attend. FINE. Obnoxious, not really the time or place, but ok. However, when they bum rushed thru the restaurant and entered the private room screaming at Shelby that he was the 1%, that is not okay. Number one, you should have never gotten past the maitre d.  Second, once you got past reception, you should have stopped for some delicious crab cakes at $18 a pop. Third, get your facts straight. Shelby makes $175k a year. Yes - while that could be considered a lot (and it is) and he does have stock and real estate, I wouldn't classify him as the 1%. You have to remember that with that money, he has to fly back and forth to Alabama every weekend and have two residences. Boo hoo, cry me a river, I know. But you have to see both sides of the argument.

Wouldn't it be more productive to protest outside Treasury or IRS or the Federal Reserve or the White House?  I know that Congress is the root of all evil, but poor, sweet little Shelby? I don't think so.

My parents raised me to not cry about what I did not have, but to fight for what I want and to remember that I was very lucky to have the things I did. I got a job, became a contributing member of society, and even though it pains me to tears, I pay taxes. I am sorry that you feel that you pay too much and the rich pay too little. Does something need to change if the person making $25 million is paying the same as someone making far less - absolutely. How do you change that? I have no idea, but holding up traffic and attacking Senators is not the way to do it.

I will now get off my soap box. Thank you for listening.

XO,
Bunny

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

um...bradley cooper?

I know you all went to sleep last night with visions of hot men dancing in your head. How could you not? It was the night before People's sexiest man alive. 

And who did People pick out of all the thousands of hunky mens out there...Bradley Cooper.  Here's the thing, I love me some BC - I really do. But to give him the title of "sexiest man alive"? I think its a bit of an over reach (sorry ESH).

The top 10 are a bit of a mess - you have Ryan Gossling (who barely made the top ten, which is sacrilegious), Chris Evans, Tim McGraw (whaaaa?), Stringer Bell (ok, I'll give you that one), Miley Cyrus' ex boyfriend Liam Helmsworth, Justin Theroux (again...whaaa?), Drago from Game of Thrones, and Joel McHale (ummmm). 
But you want to know who made the list a #7? Ladies and gentlemen it's MR. JOSH MFING CHARLES. Yay! You want to know how they celebrated his sexiness? But using the ugliest photo of him I have ever seen. You can bet this award will go to his head. How could it not. People has spoken.

XOXO,
Bunny

photo: people.com

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

murder. death. kill.

I know I'm getting lazy and sporadic with the posts, but homegirl is busy.  In the meantime, go have dirty sex with someone (consensually!) and listen to this song.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I HAVE TO WAIT TILL MARCH?!?

The Hunger Games trailer is out!  Originally, I was concerned about the casting but I have to say I am plesantly suprised. Peeta is adorable...sigh.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

she wore a raspberry beret

I bet you sure are tired from that H&M Versace launch party last night. Oh you didn't go? Yeah me neither, but I swear we were the only ones. Let me run through the guest list: Blake Lively, Jennifer Hudson, Mark Ronson (in an adorable pepto-pink suit), Ke$ha (looking more cracked out then usual), Chloe Moretz, Uma Thurman, Nikki Minaj, Jessica Alba, Selma Blair, Alan Cumming, Coco Rocha and mother effing Oprah. Prince was the after show entertainment.

The clothes were ehhh...very Euro Versace and I personally won't run out to buy any of it, but the best part of the event? Knowing that Donatella Versace, all 78 pounds of her, has cankles. You're welcome america.

XO,
Bunny

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

it has recently come to my attention

Good lord...is it Friday yet? My boss is out of the country so you would think I could just slack off, take a 2 hour lunch every day, and leave early, but nooooo. The hell that is the holiday party has ended up in my lap and is certain to make me crazy or kill me.  Place your bets now.

Just a couple things I'd like to bring to your attention...

* Congratulations to New Girl for completing her very first marathon! Personally, I don't know why in the hell you would chose to run 26.2 miles....or what you think about for 5 hours except the extreme agony you are feeling. But anyhow - kudos! It lessens the pain a bit of you running five miles at 5am with Baby Boy...alone...in the dark...in a secluded location. Actually, not really...not even a little.

* It's now an epidemic.  This weekend marked the SEVENTH engagement of someone I know since September.  Seventh. While I couldn't be happier for all of you people, this shit has got to stop. It just has to.  At least until January. So if you get engaged before January 1, 2012 - congratulations - but do me a favor and don't tell me. Umk? Thanks.

XO,
Bunny

Friday, November 4, 2011

tout est merde excepte vous amour


Tennis in Paris is about to return and me being well me, I had to call comcast to see about getting the tennis channel. Espn's coverage is just pure shit. So while contemplating adding another channel and another time waster, Rafa pulled out of Paris (sounds so dirty, doesn't it?!).

Thanks for saving me the $10, I guess? As much as I love Djokovic and Hot Jesus (Feliciano Lopez...or as Federer's mom calls him "Deliciano Lopez"), I'll just catch the replays. Thanks for destroying my week, pretend bff.


XO,
B



Oh man...

I missed Lagerfeld Thursday again. I'm still not feeling very well (must be the bird flu) and planning for our bananas holiday party really had me busy yesterday.

Somehow, inexplicably, I missed the new Karl product....a makeup line.  Seriously, you guys. I'm almost over saturated with Karl. Almost.
I don't even wear any of these eye colors, but I would if it were Karl eyeshadow. The other goodies in this collection:
A Karl doll...just what my little heart always wanted.
A Karl snowglobe...because you know THAT goes with cosmetics.

Karl nail polish in black and gold.
So I got really excited about these new products and went to add them to my christmas list only to discover they are only available in Europe and Singapore. Um...what? Note: Jacques and Thao - be a dear and run to the nearest Sephora in Paris and pick me up one pretty please. And I'm still jonesing for the "Karlidescope" perfume. Because everyone wants to smell like Karl....I bet its like a field of roses.

I really need a new pair of chanel sunglasses

Yesterday was Vogue editor Anna Wintour's birthday. The hilarious people at Fashionista did an amazing collage of Anna in her signature glasses.  There are 62 photos to be exact...the same age Anna turned yesterday...and Fashionista put that in print. On their website.  Anna will probably have them not only killed, but probably removed from the web.  It was nice knowing you.

XOXO,
Bunny

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm always right

Do you remember the time...July 8th to be specific...when I wanted to play the fashion game of who would wear which Valentino dress?  If not, let me refresh your memory.  I said, "This one screams Anne Hathaway...maybe Emma Watson".


Well all-be-damned ya'll....lookie here.  It really does make me feel superior to always be right.



There is something about her nose and her always ruby red lips that just make me want to punch her. Does anyone else have that reaction? The only thing I've remotely liked her in was 'the devil wears prada' but that was for the clothes and Meryl's amazing Anna impersonation.
XO,
Bunny

a present for everyone

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the people at Hermes are just so damn thoughtful.  Always sending me emails reminding me of what I want but can't afford. In today's email, a new line of Hermes is being introduced. It's called "Petit H".  I originally thought it was for more economical shoppers, but I think I was incorrect.  You see, they have put thought into Christmas for the I-have-everything-person.  Because, dollars to doughnuts, the person who has everything does not have this:

http://usa.hermes.com/petit-h/petit-h/cup-cozy/configurable-product-petith-cupcozy-24464.html

Now that I've seen this, how the hell am I going to drink my starbuck's gingerbread latte without one? Use one of their recycled cardboard holders? Like I'm common? I don't think so. If I don't get at least 15 for christmas I will be so upset. And I will need 15 because I can't be seen with the same cozy twice in the same week. You've been put on notice.

PS - If you are already on the Hermes website, then you should also pick this scarf up for me.  Its the only graffti that I deem appropriate.

Hermès X Kongo Graff carré, 2011



 XO,
B


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Monday, October 31, 2011

happy freaking halloween!

I hope everyone had a nice and safe halloween.  No razor blades found, no roofies in drinks. Halloween used to be my most favorite holiday after Christmas. But this year, with the rain, snow, the sub-zero temperature and the lack of candy around the office, I am just over it.  However, I had a peanut butter snickers this weekend and it was like heaven in my mouth. Seriously. Pick up a bag or ten.

So, let's just get the news out of the way shall we? Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after 72 days. I mean, who the hell didn't see this coming? Why did she rush into it in the first place? Why would Kris go along with it? And do you know what she could have done with the $10 million dollars spent on her sham wedding? Fed people. Donated it to a college for a new science wing (ha! right. Kim probably couldnt even spell science). Clothing for the homeless. Purchase me a birkin or two. Oh...did I mention, feed people.

Here's the thing. You can do anything for a year. They could have lived on seperate coasts, made it work for the publicity. Did she think people would forget about her down the road? Oh, one can only hope. But 72 days? Quitter.

XO,
B

Friday, October 28, 2011

because I'm sick and not creative today

Because he makes me happy, I give you a special Friday edition of Bunny's Fake Boyfriend.
please excuse tony's big head and goofy grin and notice the jaw line, strong nose, and laugh lines.

2011 Roland Garros
that is a good head of hair! and I bet blue really brings out his eyes.

2011 watch party for the $500K watch Rafa, Tony and CC all sport.
he is tan and gorgeous and I'm in love
If you don't think Carlos looks amazingly hot in the above photo, then you should probably kill yourself.

XO,
Bunny

walking in a winter wonderland?

Ladies and gentlemen....this is some bullshit.

Um, hello! It's October 28th. No way in hell should there be snow on the ground in DC. In the mountains - perhaps. But it's not even halloween! And yesterday was 70 degrees! Obviously, Mother Nature read my post yesterday about the rain/snow boots and got excited. This almost makes me want to climb into bed and not get out till March.

XO,
B

Thursday, October 27, 2011

tut, tut. It looks like rain.

I heard on the news last week that the East Coast will have more precipitation this fall/winter due to La Nina. Which I pronounce Laaaaaaaaa Neeeeeeeennnna. Don't judge. Most of you would say - ehhhh, I don't believe it, but because we've had nothing but rain the last 2 months, now you all are nodding your head and praying for spring.

But just because we might be snowed in for weeks at a time, it does not mean that you can't look cute! Nordstroms was kind enough to send me a wellie-gram and I thought I would share the pretty.  Personally, I cannot wear tall boots because God cursed me with Hungarian shock putter calves, but that doesn't mean you should be without.

Burberry
Love the stylish orange tassel! Seems to say, "I'm hip but classic. I'm smart, yet spent $400 on a pair of rain boots."

The classic Hunter.
But for the girl who refuses to wear flats. The horror!

Kate Spade.
Did you even have to ask if it was Kate? I love the bow, but see these only on the young mom desperately trying to be hip.  FYI - It's not working.

Sperry
ORANGE. LOVE. DEAD.

Sperry
I love the chic riding boot-esque of this wellie.
And if you just want to tell La Nina to go to hell, that you will not be caught in these awful things, then check out the new Guccis. They are embellished with clear crystals so they will sparkle!

XO,
Bunny

these are a few of my favorite things

I'm sick. I have a vicious cold that has decided to host in my body and make me miserable.  At least it could have been a stomach flu so I could lose 10 lbs. How rude.

But in the news today, there is a man that never gets sick, though if I was as rich as him I wouldn't get sick either. In fact I doubt he even sleeps. How could he? He's Karl. Yep, my pretend BFF announced this week that he was a touch bored so he's decided to do his own clothing line - this being separate from Chanel, Fendi, and Karl Lagerfeld Impulse for Macy's.  Actually, he's doing two clothing lines, because one would be so demode. The lower-priced line, called "Karl" (genius) will price between $85 to $415 while the higher-priced collection, "Karl Lagerfeld Paris," will be about $415 to $3,465. And because Karl is a giver, you will be able to purchase on net-a-porter.com. Don't worry...I've already signed up for email reminders.

Oh...and let's not forget the nerd rage I had last night when I saw that the Kaiser will also do a watch line for Fossil. The sad part, they won't be out until Spring 2013. Can I even wait that long?


And to bring you (read: me) some happy today, feast your eyes on this video. How do you think I get to be the makeup girl/clothes helper-outter?


Hugs and sniffles,
XO
B

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

L is for the way you look at me

After the wedding post yesterday, I thought I would post an article that appeared on the Huffington Post in February for the singlets. It's by Tracy McMillan who writes for Mad Men (love) among others. The title is "why you're not married". It's not only funny, but very insightful. After reading #1, I realized I'll probably die alone...but then I read #2 and remember getting so angry at Fancy Nancy for his lack of knowledge about Hermes H belts and Louis XI Ghost chairs let alone an Eames chair and that relationship is in no way romantic (sorry pal).

Enjoy!
XO
Bunny

Why You're Not Married by Tracy McMillan


You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.


Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.


Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.


I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.


1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.


The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.


2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.


Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.


3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.


That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.


4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."


You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!


About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.


5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.


Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.


Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.


I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.


Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.


Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:


Love.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

lock it up.

There is something about attending a wedding that stops and makes you think about life. Where you've been, where you are headed...family, babies, the future. Not to be corny, but there is a line from the movie Wedding Crashers when Owen Wilson tells Rachel McAdams that the reason people attend weddings is the hope of seeing true love. "True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." You always pray that it's "the one" for your friend, but sometimes you have this tiny nagging that you know it won't last.

The wedding I attended this weekend was perfect. In fact, I've never seen two people more content and happy with each other than Maggie and Troy. As cynical and jaded as we might become, when you witness the start of a good relationship you realize that love does exist and a glimmer of hope starts to form inside you.

Mazel Tov! to the happy couple.

Best quotes of the weekend:
"They have mini-doughnuts!" - ML
"They have mini-grilled cheese!!" - ML 5 minutes after the doughnut

And to because he wanted to make it into the blog....
ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!

XOXOXO,
Bunny