Monday, May 16, 2011

welcome to new jersey y'all

Let me just make this statement loud and clear, Jersey's here.

Yes, yes y'all Jersey Housewives are back...and with out Danielle, the trash, you almost were excited to see how this group of wop geniuses were going to handle all the free time they had while not pulling hair, or flipping tables, or dressing their children in the most ridiculous shit you have ever seen. Bravo lured us into a false sense of almost looked serene. No drama. A nice couple months in Jersey in the fall...which is a lovely place to visit if you don't have to stay too long. They even have some of the finest winery's - like Chateau Seacacus. Taste like motor oil, hair gel, and EVOO.

Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start

A 90 minute special ...the same way every event in NJ starts - at an overly lavish christening and after party. As a catholic girl with younger siblings, I don't remember these parties. We got some lame ass candle and a sterling cup. Classy. After about 10 minutes of the party starting, and the 14 trips to the bar we meet new guido (name forgotten). He starts stalking smack about Teresa and when viewed face first, you realize with a sudden knot in your stomach that there is something familiar in this guido's voice and face...and with the realization much like finding out you are dating a murderer, we find out that this ball of hair jel, fake tan, and bad eyebrow waxing job is Teresa's brother - AHHHHH! Quel horreur! We also find out that baby brother also has a temper and likes to slam tables. He also is very upset that his daddy doesn't love him as much as he loves Joe Guidice, Teresa's bulldog of a husband. Seriously sibling rivalry. And baby brother is pissed. And he demonstrates this to the camera by screaming in front of hundreds of people there for his child...all while trashed out of his mind.

You see baby brother (not to be confused with baby boy) married the woman of his orange dreams, Patti Lupone, and they had 3 children in the 5 years they have been married (woof) - prosciutto, Coppola, and lil moredello. I mean what are with these people and their kid names? But more importantly, why are you taking pictures of your babies in ghetto thug outfits? That baby in the christening hat? He looked like the Stay Puff Marshmallow man...just not quite as cute.

Baby brother's wife is a horrible, tanned, yetti named Melissa. And I will tell you kiddies, that if the words God, Jesus, Lord, Heaven, or Kingdom came out of her mouth one more time, there was going to be some furniture moving up in here. When she asked that baby if he was ready to come into god's kingdom, I wanted to vomit. I don't like super religious people, but I respect them. People who pretend to be super religious to win some approval, well I loathe them. And Mama Celeste is pushing her lord a bit hard for the first show.

The other new person introduced to the show was Kathy. She is a cousin of Teresa and baby brother. From what I can tell, there is no good reason she is on this show. She doesn't look particularly wealthy, her husband looks like a wet rat (seriously, stop with the hair gel), and her kids are semi cute and not obnoxious. But when they showed the Glamour Shots of the daughter hanging on the wall, I almost fell off the couch laughing.
Kathy did give the quote of the whole show: "what you put in your mouth is important". Sing it sister.

We were briefly taken into the home of Strega Nona - the mother of all housewives - Caroline. Man, I do love her...and her son Albie. Nothing much to report here other than the boys are moving out (finally.) and her daughter, Caroline II - the Revenge, is still painting war paint on people's faces. They made a dinner of "southern food", which consisted of biscuits and chili (sure...I guess you could call that southern), the brother that is not Albie tried to speak Cajun. It was bizarre and they were super boring.

Also super boring was Jacqueline. Can I just call out the fact that her nasty ass daughter, Ashley, is working for Lizzie Grubman? That's amazing. And it goes to show you just how far Lizzie will go for some PR. It almost seemed that Ashley had done a bit of growing up, but when Jackie made a surprise visit to Ash's work, she turned into a 12 year old. Why in the world would she bring up all of her problems with her mother AND start crying about it while her BOSS was standing there. Obviously she isn't a WASP, because feelings are not to be displayed in public and you never bring up personal matters to outsiders. Sometimes I wonder if my mumma and daddy weren't secretly episcopalian.

I think the whole Real Housewives franchise teaches us one thing: while they might have shit ton of money, money does not buy class. Words to live by y'all. XOXO


Marie said...

Dear only your writing could have me reading about any of these shows. (Shhhh: your father is making me watch dancing with the stars -- what I do for marital bliss!!)Well done! Money doesn't buy class, especially new money. Wait a second: Wasn't that your (you and plus one) comment at our engagement party? Hmmm. /s/ confused judged and humiliated

maria said...

my favorite post yet. too many awesome parts to even begin quoting. your names for all the jersey cast alone, KILLS me. KILLS ME!!! and, yes, i was totally confused by their "southern" dinner.

Maggie said...

This post was incredible - baby prosciutto had me falling off my rolling chair at work.

Love it! Keep 'em coming :)